Bad News

Dear New SUV,

I am writing to tell you how sorry I am for what my former family is about to do to you. I am their former SUV, a Dodge Durango, and I have some bad news for you. Your family may look nice, but you don’t want to live with them. Trust me.

I’m sure you look all shiny and new right now. You probably have one of those pine-scented air fresheners hanging from your rear-view mirror. Well, wipe that smug look off your face. You won’t look good for much longer.

First of all, you have probably noticed that your primary driver is the “soccer mom”. That’s too bad. Let’s just say that her car is not her top priority in life. Your day won’t be too bad until 3:30, but then things really get crazy. She drives everyone to school in the morning and then goes to work. You will get to rest in an uncovered parking space until 3:30, but then look out. When the school bell rings at the elementary school, you begin your hectic afternoon. The “soccer mom” must shuttle children home from the elementary school first. They will open your doors and throw backpacks, jackets, balls, lunchboxes, recorders, and messy art projects on your seats. Their hands are not very clean at the end of the day. You will get sticky fingerprints all over your windows and doors.

I hope you have a lot of endurance because you have many more trips to make before your day is over. Next you will drive to the middle school and pick up the bigger child. The good news is that he is usually alone. The bad news is that he is in band and athletics. Fridays are the worst. Have you ever smelled football pads and athletic clothes that have spent a week in a boy’s locker? The stench is overwhelming.

Once you get everyone home, don’t get too comfortable. You won’t be still for very long. Your family will gulp down their dinner and then they’re off again. Some nights it’s a PTA meeting, other nights it’s basketball practice or a band concert. Some nights it’s a double header.

The weekends won’t be much better. The family will take you everywhere. Since you’re so roomy, they will load you up with groceries, home improvement supplies, garden tools, flowers, dirt, Christmas trees, etc. You won’t believe the way I looked when they were ready to sell me. Let me describe my condition: my upholstery had muddy dog prints all over it, trash was stuffed into every crack and crevice of my interior, sticky gum and candy wrappers were in my ashtray, a stray sandwich from a lunchbox was rotting under my seat, dog food, kitty litter and water bottles rolled around the back. That’s just the interior. My exterior needed a good washing and there were various dents and scratches all over me. The son once opened the passenger door and hit a pole, the dad accidentally lowered the garage door on my roof, the dog scratched my doors with her nails and various community members door dinged me while I was parked at malls and grocery stores. You get the idea.

It’s not all bad news. They’re a fun family. You will hear a lot of laughter, some loud music, and a few rude noises as you haul them around. However, if you value your appearance, my advice to you is to get out while there is still time. Release your emergency brake and roll away in the night.

Sincerely,

Former Family SUV